Story Time: The Bet
I’d like to tell all the aspiring Awesome-a-holics out there a little story, if you’d be so inclined.
Indulge me. Sprint… I mean waddle to the kitchen get some popcorn, grab some chips, prepare to stuff your faces with trans-fats and sugary calorie loaded soda. Continue to destroy your metabolisms and ruin your chances of every reclaiming that lost glory you somehow misplaced in the big basketball game back in high school. But most of all, I want you to remember these words, because the story is not just a fairy tale needing to be told, but a testament to the lives we live.
Here it goes; Pus Monkeys reserve the movie rights now.
Once upon a time, in the far away land of Caleb’s World, there stood the mighty Kingdom of Jonesalot. Its coast and sandy beaches were said as the best in the world, and its towering cities proved the complete awesomeness of its architects and citizens. In fact, just about everything in Jonesalot was pretty awesome all the time. The women were gorgeous, silent, and usually in some state of half naked eye pleasing pleasure. The men for the most part average and dreamed of one day become as awesome as their king. And there in the Kingdom of Jonesalot in the tallest tower lived the mighty King Jones.
King Jones was a wise and awesome king, the most awesome of all awesome things in all the land. His robes were made from the finest silks; Mr. Hefner spoke often of his jealousy. His Tower was covered in Platinum. A Platinum Throne, Platinum records, Platinum walls and even the Platinum dipped teeth of his defeated enemies like Lil Wayne. Basically, there was a lot of Platinum. One day, while sitting in his awesome Platinum throne, sipping the finest of whiskey from a goblet of pure Platinum, the mighty King Jones was abruptly interrupted by a sharp rapping at the door.
“You may enter.” bellowed King Jones
The large Platinum doors of his penthouse suite began to swing open and reveal the most hideous of creatures King Jones had ever set his eyes upon.
“What monstrosity is this that tortures my eyes” yelled King Jones
“My name is JP Griffin your most awesomeness” replied the middle aged, severely graying, portly bellied, absurdly out of shape, overly tall stacked pile of crap that should have been exiled for this land years ago for the simple eye sore that it… he… whatever was.
“I have come to challenge you to a basketball game King Jones. Many say you are the finest player in the land, but I believe I can win.” Griffin’s voice trembled as he spit his load of lies. While yes King Jones was the best in the Land, Griffin never could have truly believed he had a chance to beat the King Jones. NBA greats like Jordan and the self proclaimed King James had tried and been proven to be shmucks.
“As you wish peasant, but when I win you will be banished to the land of the Chewbacca women.” replied King Jones. The land of the Chewbacca women was a dark cold world filled with women that survived off of fast food and knew nothing of proactive or make up. In some horror stories it was said they never showered and imprisoned men as their love slaves.
Griffin stupidly accepted the terms of the bet. King Jones being generous gave Griffin the ball first and made it winner takes. Griffin smiled with joy at the idea that he could beat the most awesome king without him ever touching the ball; however Griffin was not so lucky. Griffin was stuffed on the first play. From that moment on the game was as good as over. King Jones nailed three point shots with ease, drove to the rim and even ended the game with a massive dunk in the giant Griffin face.
Griffin was banished to the land of the Chewbacca women while King Jones threw a private party guest list being himself and 300 female models… life was awesome for King Jones.
Boys and girls, the moral of the story is that at a certain aged we must work harder than ever to maintain our awesomeness or simply look ourselves in the mirror and comes to terms with the waste of human flesh we have become. Middle aged man everywhere the choice is yours hit the gym and eat right while maintaining a life of awesomeness or let yourselves go and fade away. Don’t be dumb enough to challenge a much younger, better looking, and better athlete to a bet you have no chance of winning… it will simply result in your embarrassment. Because when it all comes down to it, an old man is an old man, and the king is the king.
Life is my Tower, Mr. Griffin. It is my home. I rule over this place with an iron fist, and as much as you want to step into my spot and take up the awesomeness on your shoulders, you will always be a peasant moments from being banished. You will always be a joke, a little punchline at the end of a little fairytale. And in the real world? I will destroy you in this stupid bet, just like in the story above. While we’re at it I hope you get a hand job from Edward scissor hands while getting finger banged in the ass by Freddy Krueger’s glove hand for even having the dumb idea that you could ever beat me in a game of Basketball.
Yes some herpes infected middle aged goober challenged yours truly Caleb Jones to a game of basketball with some absurd bet on the line… is he blind or something… does he not realize what a physical specimen of awesome I am.
