I want my Mogwai!
Native to Madagascar, the Aye-aye is considered an omen of death to many African villagers. Its unfortunate appearance leads the superstitious to kill an aye-aye on sight, causing the population to dwindle. The largest nocturnal mammal, the aye-aye’s behavior closely resembles that of a woodpecker: It gnaws into trees to use its elongated finger to extract grub from within. (Foxnews.com)
You have no idea how unbelievable pissed off I am right now! They call this thing an Aye-Aye… do I look like a complete idiot! Do I look like I grew up riding the short bus school! This is without a doubt the biggest scientific conspiracy I have ever witnessed. This worst than trying to pass Taylor Swift off as a human and even more despicable than trying to pass an umpa-lumpa named Snooki off as an Italian. This is not an Aye-Aye; it’s a god damn gremlin! Look at the damn thing it’s a Gremlin I tell you and with in the month it’ll be running wild all over office buildings across America.
Breathe Caleb, Breath… Fuck that! You know the worst part this entire situation? It’s that throughout my entire childhood my parents lied to me, my teachers lied to me and that really old Asian guy I’d always see in Chinatown selling the stress balls lied to me! They lied to me time and time again, right to my face without an ounce of regret about. I asked for one thing every year on my birthday, I asked for one thing every Christmas and I even pretended to be Jewish so for twelve days straight I could ask for one thing… a Mogwai just like Gizmo. However they continued to tell me that Mogwai’s never existed, they were only creatures created for a movie. Eventually I accepted the fact that I’d never have the pleasure of owning such an awesome pet. Eventually I accepted the fact that they weren’t real, but guess what all my Awesome-a-holics out there? My parents were filthy liars, my teachers were stupid drunks and that old Asian guy probably wasn’t even really Asian!
I mean think about it the world has pondered for years, what came first the chicken or the egg? Well truthfully what god damn pus monkey give a rat’s ass… no one that’s who. But anyone with half a brain cell knows the Mogwai comes with three rules; Keep them away from bright light, don’t get any water on them and never feed them after midnight. Now when these rules are broken we end up with what? Evil mischievous ugly little bastards called gremlins! So in the picture above I see a Gremlin, therefore Mogwai have to be real… you know what screw this have an awesome day, I need to call my parents and rip them a new one for lying to me for years. What’s next they’ll tell me I have like 50 siblings I never knew about!
